#THIS MADE MY DAY BETTER IM GONNA CRY
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You put so much tf2 on my feed today and it’s filled me with absolute joy 😭🥺 so glad to see tf2 still getting so much love
THIS MADE ME SO FUCKING HAPPY THANK YOU SO MUCH 😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏
#THIS MADE MY DAY BETTER IM GONNA CRY#IM SOOO AUTISTIC OVER THESE MEN PLEASE HELP ME#IF YOU EVER WANT ME TO DRAW TF2 I WILL LITERALLY DO ANYTHING 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏#THANK YOU SO MUCH BRO ILYSM /P 😭😭😭😭#KIND STRANGER
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#supposed to log good things#most of day was negative feelings and sadness#then. i remember feeling good#and then. tthe good went away#rreplaxed with the usual self doubt and loathing#the feelings of undesirability#the wish that i was. attractive in any way to anyone close to me that anyone wanted to. touch me#that i wasn't horrifically gross and disgusting#do the people who hold me do it out of pity? am i really so awful#pictures get a lot of praise#sometimes#less so lately#maybe the novelty of my personality has worn off#maybe seeing how broken i am#such a shambling wailing mess of a girl#....has made people realize how ugly i am#i don't know. its hard to care most nights#I'm supposed to feel better in the mornings#i don't usually#I used to#now i just feel..... dead inside#like a walking corpse#some part of me wants to make that reality#sigh.#anyway.#im sorry you had to read this whoever you are that's made it this far#it's a cry for help but my discord status says don't message me so it's. probably not gonna get much lol#.....i guess uh. if you've read this far and do want to say something you can take this tag in particular as a one time pass to do so#....i make no guarentees I'll respond but i will guarentee that i won't kill myself. at least not tonight or even any time this week
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In these days i realized i like art and writing and creating and shopping and taking walks and talking to people and cleaning and helping and studying and doing things but i'm just. too stressed, tired and burned out to do them. How great!
#i am losing my sanity day by day#drowning myself in the nearby lake seems better and better every day#why am i even writing this i have literally no mutuals or even people who'd care about#don't mind me crying myself to sleep haha#ooooh look at this pathetic baby. sitting in their little bed crying stupid tears. i should at least get tissues now while my crying isn't#fuck history fuck school and fuck me i quess#am i gonna start treating this as an actual blog and make a sideblog for reblogs? who knows! certainly not me; stay tuned for the story!#i'm gonna go and just let it all out into a pillow#vent ig#my mom is blasting holiday music in the other room lol#nice to have a whatever the fuck im having while “jingle bells” plays#at least i'm not hearing mariah carey ig#anyway i've probably hadn't been taking care of myself lately it has been worse despite me promoting it to everyone who needs#when i vented last time and it wasn't taken seriously so woop#anyway imma go try to calm myself and back to my notes i go#please gods what did i do to deserve thi s shit. fuck you#i hate it here i really do. i hate when these people talk to me i hate them. i at least can be sorta accquaitances with one but they just.#all stare and laugh? i actually can't. like i'm some fucking clown and laughing stock. just kill me at this point. i have been enduring this#for YEARS and suddenly i'm being a little bitch about it?? what the fuck. why am i so mushy all of a sudden. being shown an ounce of respect#and care made me expect it more? fuck#i'm just setting myself up for failure. i am just a giant loser and failure of a person.#everything seems so fucking hard. and pointless. i am tearing my rotten little heart apart with this. i am once again grieving things#long ago and things i never had. my everything has to be pleasing to an outsider#my value is my suffering. am i breaking enough? is this beautiful to look at#at my self destruction? i hate myself. i treat others so cruelly. i am a horrible fucking person.#my problems are not their burden - i forced it on them. wept like a baby because she left me. and what happened in the end? my paranoia got#to me. i left them. i fucking. i fid the thing i was afraid of being done to me.#this is showing so many issues.#so many things wrong with me. i shouldn't even be alive by this point - i wasn't supposed to survive past 12#i am being forced to do this every day. someone please just end my fu king suffering
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Man. Leaving a toxic relationship is just an exercise in learning how to live in your own head again.
#lot going on in here folks :'(#but also :')#for a few weeks i couldnt be alone couldnt be in silence couldnt just. think.#im loving myself again. im laughing and connecting and god im so excited for what comes next#june 19th lana..... you are my soulmate my rock my queen you are everything to me#bc june 19th lana had the strength to leave#june 19th lana swept me off my fucking feet and she fought and yelled and stayed up for 4 days straight#so that 4 days later i could be free again <3#i will work so fucking hard for june 19th lana.... i never want her to have any regrets... any whatifs....#im going to give june 19th lana the life she hopes shes fighting for#those four days were torture... moving... yelling... crying crying crying... more moving... driving...#she did that... for me....#literally she talked to me often... she would sit amongst the boxes and fear and heartbreak and shed talk to her future self#which ig is me <3 and shed tell me how she loved me and how i better not screw this up and she begged me to love her again#god i love her again. i love that mess of a girl. beautiful and strong and terrible! and she got out despite the torture.#june 19th lana. also june 20th 21st and 22nd lana. i hear you. you will have such a beautiful wonderful life i swear#one you will never ever second guess#he fucking killed us! he killed you! the connection the devotion the love it masked the insidious truth that you had to die for that shit#the life he could give you...its pathetic compared to what im gonna give you.#and unlike every promise he ever made... i never go back on my word :)#ok bye
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going through re4make made me rewatch re village and suddenly my need for re.sident e.vil and RE plots shot the fuck up, whoopsie poopsie, what miranda does to ya.
#🦇 ' ⟪ out of character. ⟫ / just your local crying simp.#i was in the slums the whole day today cuz of my appointment not turning out too well#plus my crush and i had to cancel our plans for tomorrow so that made me double sad#what better way to vent my sadness than watchin blood and guts shooting up in air MSKDMEKRGMTGMHMM#but hey. the bright side is im free tmrw LMAO#thank fuckin god cuz i need at least a day to recharge my introvert batteries#anyway im gonna lurk till i conk tf out
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Not gonna be normal about B tonight when I reawaken and rewatch frootloops animation again, I swear on my LIFE
#qeyond sucks#yall lucky im too sleepy#not me getting choked up over B on a friday 😭💕💕💕#my boy my guy my love my dude my bestie my darling#i think B would be better if they would just let him bite L#tho they should never be in the same room together#but i would give anything in the entire world to be a fly on the wall in that room tbh#catharsis but also just plain in love with this freaky guy and also he's me but also he's a lesson#i could keep talking about him all day everyday forwver ugh 💕💕💕#going back to sleep cuz im experiencing horrors in my house once more but this made me feel much better#frootloops im gonna cry forever thank you for this MEAL#B fans REJOICE
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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#im back in my apartment. and im rather sick. just a cold but like woke up feeling ok and then over the course of thr 12hr travel day#i was increasingly feeling worse and now im like 😵💫 its probably worse bc 7hr jet lag and my hormones r fucked#so im a bit recked. im supposed to go instruct undergrads tomorrow doing a procedure that fills me with rage even when i dont feel terrible#well see how awful i feel in the morning. i also have v lil food here bc ive been gone so long ugh#so much i gotta do. and do i feel better than when i left? not especially. i still wanna fucking quit working here. my dad is like#prioritize ur stuff bc u gotta move in 2 months and hes right but its gonna b real hard to stick to that#ugh. i feel so awful. i dont wanna work tomorrow.#i also watched that salin4 gomez doc on her brain stuff and it made me cry. and i was like weeping as i drove back from the airport bc a#lotta thimgs. but whatever itll b a 3 day weekend and im gonna try to b better abt doing as lil work as i can manage#so i dont like die. ya kno. but whatever. 2 months left. then i move. the process of getting#permits for sampling has already begun. ill b outta the desert soooooon. the light is there#unrelated
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my favourite compliment from a parent today is "id take any malay hijabi to a blue eyed white person to teach my daughter english" hehe
#the parents were so nice n supportive i just go teehee#the dad also said coz of me her daughters accent is slowly becoming american#no actual american needed lmao#hes so happy n thankful to hv me inspire her child n students im gonna cry#so far alhamdulillah my ptc is going well!#but yea his words really made my day#considering even in my OWN country a white person can get a job easily instead of. u know. a local w the same or better degree lmao#fafar yaps#about work
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"i have no gf to do it with" IM LITERALLY FUCKING HERE😭😕😞☹️ JK THAT'S TOO POSSESSIVE BUT LIKE PLEASE DONT LOOK FOR ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE IM HERE😞😞 IM WAITING PLS, PLEASE DONT BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE DONT HAVE SOMEBODY WAITING ON U☹️
#im gonna fucking cry#😭😭#like fr#BUT IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT SO I WON'T CRY#but you get it right#LIKE OKAY WE DON'T NEED TO BE GFS RN BUT I HOPE YOU DON'T IMAGINE YOURSELF WITH SOMEONE ROMANTICALLY:<#don't you notice my efforts🙁#i hope she notices it please because i will always overthink this moment since she said it#all of those things i made on canva??#and even those handicrafts i made with papers and stuff??#and every single thing that i make for you when i notice that you've been off to make you feel better#or when we haven't talked much for a day i make stuff for you too so we can have something to talk about#just like that scrapbook i made last time for you#and those malia and ruby laughs that i made for you in case you get sad because i know they will make you feel better#okay character limits now😭😭#but i hope she notices my efforts and appreciates them and somehow notices me too
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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
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Aagghfhhfh. AGGGHFHFHFHHGGGGHHHH
#it was all literally last year but i miss it SO MUCH#YEAH I LIVED IT TO THE FULLEST BC I KNEW IT WOULD END BUT THAT MADE IT ALL HURT MORE SOMEHOW#SHIT!!!!!!#i cant believe im growing up this year#fuck. fuck man oh my god. i had exactly one year of teenage heaven and it will stay with me forever#im gonna print out all the pictures i have and make a photo album for me to stare at and cry when im in my thirties#god i hope i get to have a good year like that every year#i should take more pictures also. i want to look back at all of this when im all old and stable and think ''yeah. im glad''#id normally say this year sucks but no#this years the one i learned to pick myself back up and respect myself more#this is the year i got better#college is scary but i beloeve in myself i can do it#sighs... i should go to sleep i have a good day to have tomorrow#talk
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YALLS I DID SOMETHING HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS LONELY SEND HELP
#also sighhh#I MISS 2022 SO BAD IM GONNA CRY#I MISS NOV 2022 LIKE CRAZY#WHEN I WAS STUPID AND FIRST FOUND ERIS AND VIRTUE AND HAL AND THEN DECEMBER I MET RIE AND BECAME BETTER FRIENDS WITH METO#SPECIFICALLY NOV AND DECEMBER WHEN I DELUSIONALLY THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS THE BEST EVER AND I FINALLY MADE COOL FRIENDS 😭#although it didn’t last very long and I’m suffering the consequences of approximately two months to this day LOL#dora daily#I MISS BEING INTO TOKREV#I MISS TALKING TO OTHERS#I MISS NOT BEING AS NERVOUS TO INTERACT I MISS IT SO MUCH#I DONT KNOW HOW TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS ANYMORE IM SCARED THEYD BITE MY HEAD OFF LOL#IM GONNA MAKE IT RIGHT THIS HOLIDAYS IM GONNA DO IT#I CAN DO ITTTT#ILL TRY TO MEET NEW PEOPLE#PLS GOD DONT GIVE ME MORE TRAUMA I BEG IM NOT AS STRONG AS YOU THINK I AM I PROBABLY WILL KRILL MYSELF FR IF I GET TRAUMATISED ANYMORE
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#ughhh i tried drawing a br0 /cal comic idea i had but all i really got was the complete sketch#im just not in the right mindset to be drawing right now. probably because im in a lot of pain lol#its stressing me out bc i havent drawn in a while but i have so many ideas written down that i want to do and multiple wips#both drawing and writing#i had a long day so im just gonna fuck off in bed for a while prob scroll tumblr maybe try to write or read#i spent like 2 and a half hours cooking jambalaya earlier (when standing for even 5 minutes is excruciating) so im exhausted#i was like sobbing into my (intentionally extra slimy) okra infested food#there was an entire pack of okra i put in there and i made SURE to cut and cook it the way that makes it slimier and ...#... it was THE BEST mouthfeel ever the food was SO good (even tho i forgot worcestershire sauce rip my fav lol)#the zucchini was slimy and melty the shrimp was melty the chicken and chicken sausage was so good#omg but i was like crying the whole time i ate it bc pain#its hard enough to cook when im 'not' in pain because standing hurts#the slime was worth it but it was at the cost of the rest of the day. at least i have a ton of leftovers#but im gonna need to clean and freeze the second pack of okra tomorrow. no way i can eat all that on top of the food from today#so im scared for that bc i only have a couple more painkillers (i need to save them for things like. cooking for 2 hours.)#when is my back gonna get better im so tired of this!#anyway.#vent#personal#delete later / /
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jungkook fics i can read all night all day seven days a week.
(a recommendation you didn’t know you needed) ₊⊹ ๋࣭ ⭑⚝
Vows Of Betrayal ౨ৎ by @tljunglebook
— contract marriage au, enemies to lovers, romance, smut, angst.
(I will never not scream about this! this is my current favourite read! the enemies to lovers really hits in this one! AND THE SMUT SCENES ARE SO GOOD THEY MADE ME PREGNANT SO I RECOMMEND!) 😩💳
Inevitable ౨ৎ by @ahundredtimesover
— exes to lovers, second chance, parents au, angst.
(this happens to be the cutest story I’ve ever read, the longing and angst is so good!) 🥺🫶🏼
Dextrocardia ౨ৎ by @jeonstudios
— enemies to lovers, fake marriage, cop au, angst.
(this story should be arrested for being so damn good! i love how intense the enemies phase is before they start softening towards each other, the way the author managed to portray the patriarchal issues through this story is incredible, i never thought i’d say this but im an anti of jungkook in this story 😤😡 he better apologise with crocodile tears otherwise he can say goodbye to y/n.
You’re Still Mine ౨ৎ by @wattpadauthour
— workaholic husband jungkook, marriage in trouble trope, second chance.
(THIS STORY IS GONNA BE MY FOREVER FAVOURITE FOR A LONG LONG TIME! NO MATTER HOW MANY STORIES I READ I WILL ALWAYS GO BACK TO RE-READ! LIKE READ IT RIGHTAWAY IF YOU HAVENT! 😤)
Four-Seven-Eight ౨ৎ by @jiminrings
— marriage in crisis, angst, more angst, fluff.
(the heartache you’re gonna feel while reading this is no joke, i really felt sad for the y/n here (and cried a river) AND I LOVE IT WHEN BOOKS MAKE ME CRY LIKE THE WORLD IS ENDING TOMMOROW 😻💋 you know its gonna be worth it)
Time After Time ౨ৎ by @hiseyestell
— doctor au, she fell first but he fell harder (but much later), fluff.
(by far the most realistic fanfic I’ve read, jungkook is so cold that you wanna smack him in his stupid head, the female oc is so smitten with him its adorable but sad at the same time) ☹️
His Clumsy Secretary ౨ৎ by @hwangguemfictions
— grumpy x sunshine, he fell first and harder, office romance, major angst.
(this fanfic is criminally good! especially the bgm, the dialogues, the way he’s just so endeared with her, this is a big smash!) 🤰🏻🫦
The Deepest Marks Of Essence ౨ৎ by @lleldey
— tribe leader jungkook, yandere au, smut, angst.
(my favourite writer for a reason! 🫴🏼 i can never stop obsessing over yer unique storylines and writing, she’s my new favourite tbh and this story will convince you as well) 🤭💕
Marrying The Vicount ౨ৎ by @taevjim
— rich man x poor girl, regency era au, smut, filthy fluff.
(my two worlds colliding fr! this author wrote it so beautifully 😍🤌🏻 jungkook as a vicount tho (im already crying between my legs) this is like a fever dream come true, this is so effing good that i think no words are fair enough, maybe you should take a look yourself! (i swear this is worth the read!!!!)
#bangtan#bts jungkook#jeon jungkook#jungkook x reader#jungkook#bts army#bts fic#bts#jeon jungkook smut#jungkook fluff#jungkook scenarios#jungkook x oc#jungkook angst#jungkook smut#jungkook x you#yandere jungkook#jungkook fanfic#jeon jungkook x reader#jungkook recent#jeongguk#jungkook jeon#bts scenarios#bts angst#bts fluff
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I lost a kahoot im being boiled alive
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